Out Of The Ashes...

 Hopefully. That's what I say about the title of this post. It is so hard to admit struggle. I want to be a bright light. I want to be joyful and humble and excited about life. I am feeling none of those things right now. Satan attacks this as well. Because why put myself out there when the voice in my head says, "no one cares." I have an incredible husband and two beautiful children. They care. Yesterday was a really tough day of admitting defeat. I cried out to my husband and let him know how deep of a pit I feel like I am in right now. I let him know how dark my life feels and how much I miss the sunshine. I had an amazing friend and former roommate from college randomly reach out to me and man was it a game changer. And why was it? Because she felt on her heart from God that she should text me and ask how I'm doing. I'm wondering now if she is kind of wishing she hadn't, haha. Just kidding. Kind of. I cried on the phone with her and she has been such an encouragement to me in the last few days. As my mental health continues to feel deeper there have been little rays of sunshine. I have two best friends from high school who have been such a constant in my life; rays of sunshine. I have a husband who has by far the toughest job in the world right now...he is a Police Officer...and with everything he has to deal with on a daily basis he has been more than a ray of sunshine. He has been carrying me and my family. Obviously that is a lot for a person to handle and I have not been leaning on Jesus. But with how Jesus works and he just puts people where they need to be and circumstances in the direction they are supposed to be going Jesus is carrying me, carrying my husband, my children, my friends. 

I have decided to take a break from social media for an undetermined amount of time. Facebook and Instagram have become extremely toxic to me. I have an infection in my left kidney that lead to a bloodstream infection, a kidney stone too large to pass, a stent in me leading from my kidney to my bladder, and I have surgery on March 26th. I am home on a medical leave for the next 5 weeks and all I've been doing is spending hours on both of those sites. Feeling absolutely horrible about myself and feeling sorry for myself and that pit just kept getting deeper and deeper. I'm in counseling and also taking a new medication. Both are helping tremendously. But without Jesus its just not enough. I need a reset. I'm pressing the reset button. Hopefully. At least I am today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I recorded a video that apparently is too large to try to add to this, haha. But it basically said what I'm typing here. Also I look terrible in the video so its probably for the best. I'm about 60 pounds overweight, I haven't showered in about 4 days... 

So that's how I'm doing. Yesterday I said to my husband that hope is poisonous. That for me hope has been extremely poisonous for me lately. That's when I knew I needed to make a change. Without posting random shit on Facebook and Instagram I feel like I need an outlet still. Because Social Media is an addiction. What I'm not addicted to is continuing to make myself feel like garbage. I was treating Facebook and Instagram like an online journal and what was horrible about that is that I would then go back and see if anyone liked it, commented on it, shared it. I would read more into who didn't like it, comment on it, or share it than I would care who took their time to look at what I was doing. Toxic. So here is to today. Because today is all I have. I haven't written in years and the last post I wrote was about my dog Kona who died last year on March 18, 2020. The date is coming up and inside it feels like a ticking time bomb. Because on March 19, 2021 a whole year will have gone by where I did not have Kona by my side. First time in 11 years..12 now that a year has almost gone by. 

We will see if I write on this again.

From battered to beautiful

Kona's journey written at midnight. So forgive me... I'll fix this in the morning 😉

Back in June 2009 Kona showed up on my doorstep as a bettered hungry four month old puppy. He was first discovered by my roommate Brittany and affectionately named Kona. The moment Kona and I laid eyes on each other all bets were off. We were instantly in love with each other’s existence. What I quickly learned after taking Kona to the vet however was how tragic his life was before he found us.  

There was evidence of severe abuse and neglect. The veterinarian let me know that if Kona had not found us he probably would have soon died of starvation. It was hard to tell how skinny he was because of his thick fur but he was dangerously underweight. Beneath his matted coat Kona had cigarette burns all over his body as well as dog bites. The veterinarian informed me that Kona was something that gangs in our area liked to call a bait dog. Dogs who have been deemed useless and thrown into a pit with other dogs to attack and chew on to build the confidence of fighting dogs. She said that Kona most likely escaped and found himself in our yard and on our front step. At the time Kona was only a small four month old puppy. I'll let that sink in. 

My heart sank. I felt like a blind person seeing for the first time. This was my first experience seeing a dog who was subjected to such torture. I had barely even heard of dog fighting before this and had never rescued a dog. Growing up we always had pet store bought puppies or puppies directly from breeders. My ignorant self could not even begin to wrap my mind around what the veterinarian was educating me about.

Someone by choice chose to take a puppy and throw them in a pit to be attacked and possibly killed. A puppy killed was high reward for the murdering dog who knew no other life but to kill for its master. The cigarette burns were most likely intended to make Kona mean as he got older and if he lived through his bait trials would grow up to be a fighter himself.

At this point I said many obscenities out loud in front of the vet. It was a release of how confused and small my world had been until now. 

At that moment I scooped Kona up and I never let him go again. That was 7 years ago. 

Besides meeting my husband, Kona is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Kona is not perfect. I've had to do a lot of behavioral training with him because of his abuse. His rescue meant work but it was so worth it. 

But this is what Kona has been. He has been instrumental in shaping my life and directing my path in the direction it has gone. He has taught me about patience, love, growth, strength, endurance, joy, and what it means to fight for someone's life. He has especially taught me what it means to keep moving forward when all I want to do sometimes is move back. He sure chose the right doorstep 7 years ago and I didn't realize then how much of a hero he would become in my life. 

Since being in a relationship with Matt I've had a few people say to me...you used to be all about singleness...because some of the posts I put on Facebook. But for those who really know me it wasn't singleness I was all about...I was and still am all about the real reason we are on this earth. I combat the idea that everyone is meant for marriage and we all have someone out there for us. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just get so tired of these posts of mostly women writing about how God has promised them someone they haven't even met yet. God didn't promise you that. 

There are many purposes mixed in with the main purpose ;we are on this earth to serve Jesus, love others, and share the word of God not only with our mouths but with our actions. So whether that is being accomplished through singleness, marriage, motherhood, fatherhood, brotherhood, sisterhood...it doesn't make one better than the other. The real purpose and goal worth fighting for is, are you serving Christ? Not waiting on an idea that isn't promised to you. Just because I met the man I want to marry doesn't mean my viewpoint has changed. I just have a new purpose withing Gods actual promise to me...the promise that He will always love me whether I become a wife or not. The promise that Jesus died on the cross for my sins whether I become a wife or not. The promise that through Jesus Christ my savior I have a home in heaven...whether I become a wife or not. Those promises are real and nothing can change that. 

The Truth About Singleness

Originally posted on Thursday May 8th, 2014

Alright. I'm doing it. I'm writing about singleness. Dun, dun, dunnn... But I'm single so I know what I'm talking about. I'm also not single by choice either. I mean who knew that the third eye I had growing out of my forehead would be such a problem am I right? Or as Bridget Jones so eloquently put it, "well, I suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales," after being asked why there are so many single women in their thirties. It's a scientific fact that scales suddenly grow on your body when you remain single and unchosen by all of the other men and women around you. Look it up. It's true.

Well here's a real fact for you. God did not promise that we would be married. I dare you to try to find that as a fact. Because it isn't one. I want to know where in the Bible does God promise us someone else other than himself? I get that we were created for community. I understand where two or more are gathered their God will be as well. But those two are not strictly husband and wife. Don't get me wrong...I want to be married as much as the next person but God does not promise us we'll be married someday. In fact his promise is that He'll never leave us. He'll never forsake us. That his presence is forever in our lives. His promise is that no matter how much we screw up he still chooses us. Yes marriage exist. Yes it's an AAAmazing thing. Yes it's talked about in the Bible. But no. It is not a promise or guarantee from God that every single person that has ever lived will be married someday. It is not a promise worth investing your entire life in either. It's not worth constantly chasing. Let me make myself understood as well. Online dating, organic dating, or hanging out with other single people is not constantly chasing. They are things I participate in quite frequently. But hoping on a promise that doesn't exist? That's chasing. That's chasing and worshiping something that God just might simply not have in store for you. 

But there is a bigger hope out there for you. There is a real promise that does exist that you will 100% receive...and that is God's choice of you. He chose you. Whether you choose him back or not doesn't matter because it doesn't change the fact that he still chooses you. Every day. You can even read this and try to combat my words with all your mumbo jumbo that God and Jesus doesn't exist but he still chooses you. Because he does exist FYI. So does his love.

But here's the real pickle at hand. Being married does not trump being single. And I am single. Some days it really sucks. Wait correction. Most days it sucks. But in no way is it healthy to live for a promise that you'll receive a husband or wife someday. It is not something to be earned and not a guarantee. Instead live for sharing God's love. Live for the reason we were actually placed on this earth to begin with...to bring witness to God's loving mercy and truth. Instead live for the truth that God chooses you every day. Please do not misunderstand me. I love and value a strong marriage. I love seeing my friends and siblings in happy marriages and being a witness of the wonderful things it can do for two people. It's so beautiful and is a real desire of mine to also have but I will not allow myself to get lost in that desire because that is not what I was put on this earth for. That's also not what you were put on this earth for either. There are many purposes that surround a main purpose and the main one? We are here to make disciples of this world by sharing Jesus's love and truth through the Gospel. What if we lived in a world where there were conferences and sessions focused on glorifying Christ rather than ones solely focused on marriage? Simply put, the spiritual focus is making disciples of the world and glorifying Jesus with your life. Though I truly desire to be married someday what if God's plan for me is to spread his name and truth...unmarried? Does that make me any less worthy of his plan? Or does that make me dysfunctional in someway...that something must be wrong with me...that's why I'm still single? Absolutely not. That is God's plan for me. Not mine. Marriage and singleness is not A team and B team.

If you are married. Awesome. If you are not? Still awesome. Your purpose and worthiness does not change. If you feel as though you were born to be a parent and now you are? Incredible! If you feel as though you were created to be a spouse and now you are married? Great! If you feel as though you were placed on this earth to be single? Wonderful! And if you feel as though you are stuck in any three of those then trust God's plan for you; especially being "stuck" in singleness. But all of this does not change the main and true purpose of why we are here; to spread the Gospel through God's love on others. Just because I'm single it does not mean I'm any further away from his plan for me. It does not mean I'm not just as valuable, beautiful, worthy, or chosen as my married sister or brother standing next to me. But one thing is for sure the grass is greener where I stand now...not the other side. It just depends on what you are fertilizing your lawn with.

Take a walk with me and let me fully challenge you. Live as if God wouldn't give you the desires of your heart but you would choose him anyways. Because here's the real question. Imagine if somehow God gave you a preview to the very end of your life and there you discover God didn't give you all the desires of your heart (ie: marriage). Would you still choose to serve and chase after him every single day? If the answer is yes why not live life like that now?


One more thing before you go. I posted this a while back and I encourage you to read this poem I wrote about the internal dialogue on singleness between what a women often feels and thinks and Gods response. 


Will anyone ever see me as worth pursuing? Will anyone ever enter into a room, look at me, and say, "I knew immediately that she was the one"? Will I be somebody's somebody? Will I be the reason someone's time comes undone? Will he stop me before I go out the door? Will he stop me and say, "no…I want more"? Will he look past what my body can give him? Will he look into my soul? Will he miss me when I am not with him? Will he give God control? Will he see that I've climbed every mountaintop? Will he see that Ive walked through the valley below? Don't you see that unless he asks me...these things he will not know? Will he have conversations with you about me? Will he pray that you guide his way? Will he get nervous when he sees me...not knowing what to say?

Will she talk to me this morning? Will she give me the day before the sun will rise? With her troubled heart will she lean upon me? Will she open up her eyes? Will she not see even the very hairs on her head are all numbered...down to the last one? Will she not see that everyday I pursue her and because I love her, I gave her my one and only son? Does she not see that she is altogether beautiful with no flaw in sight? Will she not see that her worth out numbers all the sparrows? That it's only the sparrows that will take flight? Does she not see when I enter into a room I look at her and say, "she is the one"? That she did not choose me but I chose her. That between her and I...time is always undone. Will she not see my love gaze upon her as I hold onto her soul? Does she not realize that she is loved beyond measure and that her heart is paid in full? Will she not miss me when she feels as though I am not with her? Will she give me control? Will she see me on the mountain top? Will she see that I am with her in the valley below? Will she see that there are no secrets between us for these things I already know? Does she understand that she is never alone? That when she comes near to me...my presence I will give? Does she know that those thoughts do not define her and that if she puts her identity in me she will see, for her, I gave these words to Amos, "seek The Lord and live!"

I was able to sit with friends tonight and collectively worship God through song, scripture, and prayer. As people prayed tonight I wrote down bits and pieces of what was said and wrote this prayer.




I sit here. I here their voices lift to you and I hear your words whisper back to me. You consume my all. You are undeniable. Your power is more powerful. Your reason better than reasoning. You are my reason. My cause. My explanation. Justify my life lived out for you.

Songs unrecognizable but a love that is so familiar to me. Loneliness creeps in and I feel as though You do not fill it yet you consume its every crevice. Continue doing so. I beg you. When I kick and scream watch me with love knowing I will soon run to you and fall at your feet. My tears will be your bath. Cleansed by my sorrow, gratitude, and recognition of your existence I cry out to you. I weep with tears that wash your feet swept away by my hair as you ask others if they even see me at all. "Do you see this woman?" My debt is large and my wage is small. Your love for me is large...you are my call. You see my worth…you see theirs. I'm worth dying for and die you did. I'm chosen and choose me you did.

Give us a distaste of this world. Burden me so that I have no other choice but to chase after you. Burden my heart so that what breaks your heart...breaks mine. Break me. Break them. They will know us by how we love each other…how I love you. How I love them. Turn this city upside down so that the only direction to look is up…up towards you. That we would look into your eyes and know that it is you. Raw gospel pointing back to you.

Trouble and hardship. Persecution and famine. Nakedness. Danger. Sword. No. Not EVEN in these things will we be separated from the love of God. God break the man made boundaries and teach us to unite as one. That the goal is you. The goal is claiming people for Christ. People need life that only Jesus can bring. Only you. Only you can bring. You plead for me. I'm already paid in full as you continue to plead with me to stop paying for something already bought and paid for.