Hopefully. That's what I say about the title of this post. It is so hard to admit struggle. I want to be a bright light. I want to be joyful and humble and excited about life. I am feeling none of those things right now. Satan attacks this as well. Because why put myself out there when the voice in my head says, "no one cares." I have an incredible husband and two beautiful children. They care. Yesterday was a really tough day of admitting defeat. I cried out to my husband and let him know how deep of a pit I feel like I am in right now. I let him know how dark my life feels and how much I miss the sunshine. I had an amazing friend and former roommate from college randomly reach out to me and man was it a game changer. And why was it? Because she felt on her heart from God that she should text me and ask how I'm doing. I'm wondering now if she is kind of wishing she hadn't, haha. Just kidding. Kind of. I cried on the phone with her and she has been such an encouragement to me in the last few days. As my mental health continues to feel deeper there have been little rays of sunshine. I have two best friends from high school who have been such a constant in my life; rays of sunshine. I have a husband who has by far the toughest job in the world right now...he is a Police Officer...and with everything he has to deal with on a daily basis he has been more than a ray of sunshine. He has been carrying me and my family. Obviously that is a lot for a person to handle and I have not been leaning on Jesus. But with how Jesus works and he just puts people where they need to be and circumstances in the direction they are supposed to be going Jesus is carrying me, carrying my husband, my children, my friends.
I have decided to take a break from social media for an undetermined amount of time. Facebook and Instagram have become extremely toxic to me. I have an infection in my left kidney that lead to a bloodstream infection, a kidney stone too large to pass, a stent in me leading from my kidney to my bladder, and I have surgery on March 26th. I am home on a medical leave for the next 5 weeks and all I've been doing is spending hours on both of those sites. Feeling absolutely horrible about myself and feeling sorry for myself and that pit just kept getting deeper and deeper. I'm in counseling and also taking a new medication. Both are helping tremendously. But without Jesus its just not enough. I need a reset. I'm pressing the reset button. Hopefully. At least I am today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I recorded a video that apparently is too large to try to add to this, haha. But it basically said what I'm typing here. Also I look terrible in the video so its probably for the best. I'm about 60 pounds overweight, I haven't showered in about 4 days...
So that's how I'm doing. Yesterday I said to my husband that hope is poisonous. That for me hope has been extremely poisonous for me lately. That's when I knew I needed to make a change. Without posting random shit on Facebook and Instagram I feel like I need an outlet still. Because Social Media is an addiction. What I'm not addicted to is continuing to make myself feel like garbage. I was treating Facebook and Instagram like an online journal and what was horrible about that is that I would then go back and see if anyone liked it, commented on it, shared it. I would read more into who didn't like it, comment on it, or share it than I would care who took their time to look at what I was doing. Toxic. So here is to today. Because today is all I have. I haven't written in years and the last post I wrote was about my dog Kona who died last year on March 18, 2020. The date is coming up and inside it feels like a ticking time bomb. Because on March 19, 2021 a whole year will have gone by where I did not have Kona by my side. First time in 11 years..12 now that a year has almost gone by.
We will see if I write on this again.
No comments:
Post a Comment