Will anyone ever see me as worth pursuing? Will anyone ever enter into a room, look at me, and say, "I knew immediately that she was the one"? Will I be somebody's somebody? Will I be the reason someone's time comes undone? Will he stop me before I go out the door? Will he stop me and say, "no…I want more"? Will he look past what my body can give him? Will he look into my soul? Will he miss me when I am not with him? Will he give God control? Will he see that I've climbed every mountaintop? Will he see that Ive walked through the valley below? Don't you see that unless he asks me...these things he will not know? Will he have conversations with you about me? Will he pray that you guide his way? Will he get nervous when he sees me...not knowing what to say?

Will she talk to me this morning? Will she give me the day before the sun will rise? With her troubled heart will she lean upon me? Will she open up her eyes? Will she not see even the very hairs on her head are all numbered...down to the last one? Will she not see that everyday I pursue her and because I love her, I gave her my one and only son? Does she not see that she is altogether beautiful with no flaw in sight? Will she not see that her worth out numbers all the sparrows? That it's only the sparrows that will take flight? Does she not see when I enter into a room I look at her and say, "she is the one"? That she did not choose me but I chose her. That between her and I...time is always undone. Will she not see my love gaze upon her as I hold onto her soul? Does she not realize that she is loved beyond measure and that her heart is paid in full? Will she not miss me when she feels as though I am not with her? Will she give me control? Will she see me on the mountain top? Will she see that I am with her in the valley below? Will she see that there are no secrets between us for these things I already know? Does she understand that she is never alone? That when she comes near to me...my presence I will give? Does she know that those thoughts do not define her and that if she puts her identity in me she will see, for her, I gave these words to Amos, "seek The Lord and live!"

How intense drinking, partying, and passing out helped make me feel more beautiful.

I don't think anyone ever really reads my blog. But with a title like that I hope someone at least reads this entry. I feel as though I have a story to share. Before I get into how intense drinking, partying, and passing out helped make me feel more beautiful let me give you the back story first. At the end of college and into the time of moving to Philadelphia I had peeked my weight at 215lbs. I was embarrassed to say the least. At one point in college I had a guy friend who I liked say he thought I might have something wrong with my thyroid and thats why I was fat. I remember the day that he said this I was so ashamed of myself and felt so ugly. A few days after this conversation while sitting in a hot tub with a few other friends this same guy loudly stated that he would never date a girl that didn't take care of herself and looked right at me...and all of the other heads turned and embarrassingly looked at me too as they realized I was the girl he was talking about. Needless to say I am no longer friends with this guy. But that memory alone helped me realize what it was I needed in my life...a change.

I had a gruesome dark cloud hovering over my life. I felt ugly and worthless. But behind every dark cloud is a beautiful blue sky. That came in the form of moving out of L.A. and into the city of Philadelphia. I moved to Philadelphia in October 2009 but I did not begin my running life until January of 2011. In a little over a year of living in Philadelphia I had made amazing life changing friends. One night as I was sitting at a bar with my friend Zeke watching the Steelers game I confided in him that I wish I could lose weight. He turned to me and simply said, “Dude just sign up for the Broad Street Run. Training for a 10 mile run will get you in shape in no time.” I told him I was too scared and that 10 miles was long. He made it so simple. The easiness in the way he said, “just sign up and start training and if you still don't feel like doing it just sell your badge”, was the little flame I needed. After this we turned back to the TV and we finished watching the Steelers game. It was that easy. I at least needed to try.

Intense Drinking. Partying. & Passing out.

Intense Drinking. I realize that when I began running I started to view other things differently as well. One of those things being what I put into my body. I stopped drinking Coke, Sprite, Mountain Dew, and also stopped kidding myself that just because the word diet was in front of it made it any better for me. Instead I started to drink water. Lots and lots of water.

So here is my Intense Drinking tip for you:

Drink at least two Nalgenes a day. A standard Nalgene is about 32 ounces and by drinking two Nalgenes a day you are meeting the “recommended amount” of water you're supposed to consume a day. It is proven that drinking water helps you lose weight and I am proof of that. When I started drinking water my life changed. I felt better about the choices I was making, the energy I had, and the pounds I was losing. What helped me make lame tasteless water more exciting is Crystal light packets and drops. So buy Crystal Light Liquid Drops and add either a small amount to your Nalgene or mix the drops into some water, put that water into ice trays, and voilà you got yourself some flavored ice cubes for your water.

Drinking Intensely helps change lives ;)

Partying. What I learned after college is the importance of surrounding yourself with incredible people. Now I don't want to neglect the amazing friends I still have from College. I lived with incredible God fearing women who helped me in my own walk with Christ. But I also know that wherever you live now it is SO important for you to surround yourself with people that will party with you. I found amazing friends to be vulnerable with and help build me up. Together we broke down the barriers of being embarrassed in front of each other and the importance of empowering each other. When I first started training for the Broad Street Run I started running with my best friend Katy. Running forced me to be vulnerable and embarrassed in front of her but she didn't care. Where I saw weakness she saw strength.

So my partying tip for you:

Find friends you can be vulnerable with and embarrassed in front of. Find friends to party with. After I ran a mile without stopping for the first time in my life, alongside my best friend Katy, we partied. We jumped in the air, clapped our hands, I even cried. And who gives a damn if I cried. Its my party and I can cry if I want to ;) After the first time I ran four miles without stopping I was in a gym with my brother and his now wife and I got off the treadmill ran over to them excitedly and told them I ran four whole miles without stopping and they partied with me. Right there in the gym not caring that other people were watching us. But guess what...those strangers smiled and partied too. Its the ripple effect baby.

I understand being discouraged but turn that discouragement into fuel. If someone passes you don't get discouraged. In fact slap them hard on the back and yell out, “Fuck yeah! I'm genuinely proud of you!” I promise you that by celebrating other people's victories it will help you feel better about your own. And did you know there is an organization in Philly where you can run with people that are blind? You can actually be their eyes and help them run safely. Talk about partying together.

Passing Out. When I started running I never slept so much in my life. I was actually more tired then had energy and was very pissed that people had lied to me telling me I would have more energy. Eventually my body finally caught up but at night I passed out...

So my passing out tips for you:

Start off at a realistic distance and pace. Remember...when I started running I couldn't even run a mile without wanting to puke and shit my pants at the same time. I began running for 30 seconds at a time. Just a straight 30 seconds...then walking 30 seconds...then running 30 seconds and on and on until I reached a mile. Then, after challenging myself, I turned those 30 seconds of running into 40 seconds, then 50 seconds, then a minute...then one day I ran a whole mile without stopping!

Pick landmarks to be your goal. There are times when I really really feel like quitting. I'm exhausted, my legs ache, and I just desperately want to walk so bad. In the beginning of my running life, when I would get in these moods, my friend Katy would pick a landmark. She would say, “We have to get to that light pole THEN we can walk for only 30 seconds.” Oh glorious mother of God...please install a jet pack on me to get me to that light pole faster. I would eventually get to the light pole and eventually it wasn't that light pole it was the next one and so on. The more I kept running the less landmarks I needed to taste the sweet feeling of a walking break. BUT I still use landmarks today. Because, though I like to challenge myself, I also like to be safe and realistic about my abilities. But I can't emphasize the word safe more then putting it in italics and making it bold. You do not want to injure yourself.

I promise you that if you at least try during the day you'll start passing out at night.

As I was running this morning I felt on my heart how much I want other people to feel beautiful...even the men out there. I passed people of all different shapes and sizes that were either in the zone, looked tired, looked hopeful, or looked discouraged. And each one that passed I couldn't stop thinking about how much they are loved by God and how disgusting I used to feel about myself. After saying this what I don't want to happen is for you to think that I don't still struggle with this. Its a daily struggle and I'm still working hard on strengthening not only my body but my confidence as well. I now weigh 170 and only know that because I just went to the doctor and was weighed. When I first started running my weight would fluctuate so much. I would lose weight and then gain weight because of these new muscles I was using. So one day I just threw my scale out the window...literally. Some people may say I'm still fat..and who knows maybe I am...but just the mere fact that I'm trying is enough to make me feel beautiful. I have now completed running two Broad Street runs, a half marathon with my brothers and sister, three 5K's, a Sprint Triathlon, and I'm now training for my second half and this all started only two and a half years ago. So if I can do it I know for a fact that you can do it...all it takes some times is drinking, partying, and passing out ;)

Above all else know that you are beautiful and loved by a God that loves and creates beauty. "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you." Song of Songs 4:7

Maybe if I post the right picture at just the right angle I'll be convincing.

If my smile was bigger and I pretended this was what was said to me maybe the world will be convinced.

If the sun is out and it cascades the light just so...that it dances wildly across my face, maybe then I'll think differently.

Sometimes I think of what would make a great status and then I go out and live it to make it truth...so that later I can make it a great status.

Don't deny it...you all do the same exact thing...I'm just crazy enough to say it out loud and make it public.

Some people post a picture of literally every single thing they do and most of the time I sit there and I scrutinize. I sit there and I get mad because I feel as though all you're trying to do is be flashy and a show off when I know the truth. You're just like me. And your pictures may try to be convincing of this great life you live but inside it leaves you feeling not so great. And it makes me mad because I want to see you and tell you...I know...I get it.

In an earlier blog posting I wrote how Facebook is like a white washed tomb. But so is Instagram. So is Twitter. So beautiful on the outside but on the inside its just full of dead bodies.

But I also realize that people who truly live with all of their victories exposed to the outside world have already received their reward in full.

By that simple thought I fear it. I fear that truth the Bible speaks so loudly to me sometimes. Because if that is the truth that is not a reward I want in full. I want the Gospel. I want to live and breathe the Gospel. I do not want my reward in full via...this.

But I hunger and I thirst and I yearn for contact.

Loneliness creeps in and God does not fill it yet he consumes its every crevice.

Loudly and not so subtly the Lord reveals his existence and realness in my existence and reality.

I sit here drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon as I sift through letters on a keyboard flashed in a background of white and icons.

I don't have a journal. I don't write secret thoughts in a journal. I just think them all day and then sometimes they make their way out onto my blog.

Sometimes I regret not journaling. When I look back at moments and think, “I wonder what I was thinking while I was going through that,” I regret not journaling. But its just not there for me.

It's not that I'm lazy...I'm just not in it.

I love that line from Garden State. You are in it right now...she says.

I'm in it right now.

Recently a Henri Nouwen quote was tweeted, “We are living in days when our wounds have become all too visible,” and my retort was, “and I have confidence in a savior who also has visible wounds”.

I was proud of that tweet.

The person responsible for the quote did not tweet me back. Sadly.

But its true. I have many wounds. But so do you. I'm not so different then you and you are not so different then the person you passed on the street, the person begging for money, the one sleeping around, the one in prison, the one who stole your bike last year, the one who broke into your car, the one who broke your heart, the one who looked you in the face and told you...you are not good enough.

Wounds.

All of those are wounds.

But when I look at a picture that I feel as though truly reflects my Jesus it is not one of Jesus laughing with children, lifting his hands to the sky as his followers bow to him, Jesus with sheep...why is he always with sheep?

It is a picture of Jesus with blood. It is a picture of Jesus with scars. It is the picture of Jesus nailed onto a cross crying out to his Abba, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?"* that I connect with the most. Because THAT Jesus has got some wounds to show off.

And if THAT Jesus is the one I get to look on and call my salvation then THAT is who I'm going to grip onto so tightly until my knuckles go white.

Because I would SO much rather worship a savior with scars then worship a god with gold.

So maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself and the public but I'm in it right now.

And it is not something I want to exit with a reward already in my arms.

*Matthew 27:46

-This is a rap I wrote today. The end of a week with an earthquake in China, an explosion in Texas, and a bombing in Boston. All events that took the lives of loved ones. I then read this rap at a prison tonight full of men with familiar and unfamiliar faces. If anything this week reminded me how blessed I am to know, to serve, and to be loved by a God who loves me so much...so much that he was willing to sacrifice a loved one, his son, to die for me. To die for you. So that we may have everlasting life through him. Now that is something worth dying for.

Oh God you are my God

I will rise above and love amongst hate

Today is the day and this moment is the moment

Where I boldly seek the perfection in those that are flawed.

Break me. I dare for you to try.

My tears are not the sign of my weakness

For the lost and weary I will cry.

Do you honestly believe that this will separate me from the love of Christ?

By your actions you so hastily carry out you will only get me to the presence of my father faster.

And in that, there is nothing for me to fear. I will dance. I will sing. By the power of my presence here on earth I will look at you and tell you; You. Are Loved.

My words are truth. Though my heart may not always be a true reflection it is not my mirror you should fear. I face death all day long. We are sheep to be slaughtered. But I. I am more than a conqueror through him loves me. Through him who loves you.

We will suffer. And our hearts will be broken. I will introduce myself to you today and then I, too, will see you go.

I will look in the face of those who take away and I will BOLDLY SAY,

He died for you.

‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God. That is in Christ Jesus MY Lord.’ And whether you choose to acknowledge him or not...your Lord too.

In my heart I have hate. I am a murderer and a liar. I’m a thief. I play both the role of jury and judge. And I am stuck in the mire. But there is hope for me. When I allow myself to be transformed and set free, by the Lord’s refining fire.

God did not promise that this life would be easy. In fact he promised it would be hard.

But if you listen to his voice God will say to you too, “Look now toward heaven and count the stars.”

I recognize you have wounds on your heart. So do I. But remember you are loved by a Jesus who also has scars.

You want to fight? Lets fight with our hearts proclaiming the love of Christ!

Shout out loud, He is Risen! He is here. And someday we’ll all dance on heaven’s shore.

But for now. I will look at you. I will love you. And I will tell you. You. My friend. Are worth fighting for.

(picture I took while jogging)

For an undetermined amount of time I deactivated my Facebook. If I didn't risk losing all of my precious pictures on Facebook by deleting it, I probably would have done that. I know I can transfer them to a new site but...that...is a lot of work. I realize that in my venture of giving up Facebook this came exactly around the time of lent. But I would love to express to you how much I am not giving up Facebook for lent. I'm giving up Facebook for my heart. For my soul. And for my relationship with the Lord. In a moment where I lost something dear to me Facebook became poisonous. It became a living version of Matthew 23:27 where Facebook was like a whitewashed tomb, "beautiful on the outside but on the inside full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." 

What is awesome about having your own blog is that you can be as dramatic as you want. Though that was dramatic it's exactly how I came to view Facebook. Instead of starting my mornings by giving myself over to the Lord I was checking Facebook. I wanted somehow to feel important enough still. I wanted a glimpse that I still existed. I didn't. I didn't and Facebook made sure I knew how much I did not exist anymore. It broke my heart more then it already was and I finally allowed myself to see how life is not worth this. Life is worth beauty. Life is worth truth. Life is worth actually living. 

So bon voyage Facebook and hello Twitter! (SimplyJaxJax) I laugh at myself as I write this because from one social media site to the next. But I'm a writer. I love writing posts and reading others stories. What I don't love seeing is self advertising and a 5 second window of truth masked by a lifetime of lies. For some reason, even if its just me, Twitter is a launching pad to other people in byte size pieces. And I love people.

I'm also not perfect I just happen to be deeply in love with someone who is. And if thats the case then my ultimate goal is not only about improving myself but most importantly improving how I love others around me. I'll also be honest...I'm not great at it. I fail every day at loving people in the way they deserve to be loved; not in the way I see it but in the way that God does. And trust me when I say those two visions are very different from each other. 

I have a very hard time letting go of things that no longer have a place in my life. What I love about my relationship with the Lord is how much he advocates for me when my knuckles have become white from how tight my grasp is. Gently he pries open my hands and lets whatever I was holding onto fall away from me. Without God I would become a hoarder of dead branches. 

I'm entering into a chapter where God is seriously pruning my life. While running the other day I could not get the image out of my head of me trying to superglue a dead branch God had pruned back onto my tree like body. This caused me to cry...for hours. But God did not promise that pruning would be painless...just necessary. I serve a God that loves me enough to hold each tear I cry in his hand...how lucky am I? 

So, as I learned at the Justice Conference last night that, "True humility is not about being dishonest about your strengths, its about being honest about your weaknesses," I move forward with my life humbly proclaiming, "I am weak!"