Maybe if I post the right picture at just the right angle I'll be convincing.
If my smile was bigger and I pretended
this was what was said to me maybe the world will be convinced.
If the sun is out and it cascades the
light just so...that it dances wildly across my face, maybe then I'll
think differently.
Sometimes I think of what would make a
great status and then I go out and live it to make it truth...so that
later I can make it a great status.
Don't deny it...you all do the same
exact thing...I'm just crazy enough to say it out loud and make it
public.
Some people post a picture of literally
every single thing they do and most of the time I sit there and I
scrutinize. I sit there and I get mad because I feel as though all
you're trying to do is be flashy and a show off when I know the
truth. You're just like me. And your pictures may try to be
convincing of this great life you live but inside it leaves you
feeling not so great. And it makes me mad because I want to see you
and tell you...I know...I get it.
In an earlier blog posting I wrote how
Facebook is like a white washed tomb. But so is Instagram. So is
Twitter. So beautiful on the outside but on the inside its just full
of dead bodies.
But I also realize that people who
truly live with all of their victories exposed to the outside world
have already received their reward in full.
By that simple thought I fear it. I
fear that truth the Bible speaks so loudly to me sometimes. Because
if that is the truth that is not a reward I want in full. I want the
Gospel. I want to live and breathe the Gospel. I do not want my
reward in full via...this.
But I hunger and I thirst and I yearn
for contact.
Loneliness creeps in and God does not
fill it yet he consumes its every crevice.
Loudly and not so subtly the Lord
reveals his existence and realness in my existence and reality.
I sit here drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon
as I sift through letters on a keyboard flashed in a background of
white and icons.
I don't have a journal. I don't write
secret thoughts in a journal. I just think them all day and then
sometimes they make their way out onto my blog.
Sometimes I regret not journaling. When
I look back at moments and think, “I wonder what I was thinking
while I was going through that,” I regret not journaling. But its
just not there for me.
It's not that I'm lazy...I'm just not
in it.
I love that line from Garden State. You
are in it right now...she says.
I'm in it right now.
Recently a Henri Nouwen quote was tweeted, “We
are living in days when our wounds have become all too visible,”
and my retort was, “and I have confidence in a savior who also has
visible wounds”.
I was proud of that tweet.
The person responsible for the quote did not tweet me back. Sadly.
But its true. I have many wounds. But
so do you. I'm not so different then you and you are not so different
then the person you passed on the street, the person begging for money,
the one sleeping around, the one in prison, the one who stole your
bike last year, the one who broke into your car, the one who broke
your heart, the one who looked you in the face and told you...you are
not good enough.
Wounds.
All of those are wounds.
But when I look at a picture that I
feel as though truly reflects my Jesus it is not one of Jesus
laughing with children, lifting his hands to the sky as his followers
bow to him, Jesus with sheep...why is he always with sheep?
It is a picture of Jesus with blood. It
is a picture of Jesus with scars. It is the picture of Jesus nailed
onto a cross crying out to his Abba, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?"* that
I connect with the most. Because THAT Jesus has got
some wounds to show off.
And if THAT Jesus is the one I get to
look on and call my salvation then THAT is who I'm going to grip onto
so tightly until my knuckles go white.
Because I would SO much rather worship
a savior with scars then worship a god with gold.
So maybe I'm being a little too hard on
myself and the public but I'm in it right now.
And it is not something I want to exit
with a reward already in my arms.
*Matthew 27:46
