The Truth About Singleness

Originally posted on Thursday May 8th, 2014

Alright. I'm doing it. I'm writing about singleness. Dun, dun, dunnn... But I'm single so I know what I'm talking about. I'm also not single by choice either. I mean who knew that the third eye I had growing out of my forehead would be such a problem am I right? Or as Bridget Jones so eloquently put it, "well, I suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales," after being asked why there are so many single women in their thirties. It's a scientific fact that scales suddenly grow on your body when you remain single and unchosen by all of the other men and women around you. Look it up. It's true.

Well here's a real fact for you. God did not promise that we would be married. I dare you to try to find that as a fact. Because it isn't one. I want to know where in the Bible does God promise us someone else other than himself? I get that we were created for community. I understand where two or more are gathered their God will be as well. But those two are not strictly husband and wife. Don't get me wrong...I want to be married as much as the next person but God does not promise us we'll be married someday. In fact his promise is that He'll never leave us. He'll never forsake us. That his presence is forever in our lives. His promise is that no matter how much we screw up he still chooses us. Yes marriage exist. Yes it's an AAAmazing thing. Yes it's talked about in the Bible. But no. It is not a promise or guarantee from God that every single person that has ever lived will be married someday. It is not a promise worth investing your entire life in either. It's not worth constantly chasing. Let me make myself understood as well. Online dating, organic dating, or hanging out with other single people is not constantly chasing. They are things I participate in quite frequently. But hoping on a promise that doesn't exist? That's chasing. That's chasing and worshiping something that God just might simply not have in store for you. 

But there is a bigger hope out there for you. There is a real promise that does exist that you will 100% receive...and that is God's choice of you. He chose you. Whether you choose him back or not doesn't matter because it doesn't change the fact that he still chooses you. Every day. You can even read this and try to combat my words with all your mumbo jumbo that God and Jesus doesn't exist but he still chooses you. Because he does exist FYI. So does his love.

But here's the real pickle at hand. Being married does not trump being single. And I am single. Some days it really sucks. Wait correction. Most days it sucks. But in no way is it healthy to live for a promise that you'll receive a husband or wife someday. It is not something to be earned and not a guarantee. Instead live for sharing God's love. Live for the reason we were actually placed on this earth to begin with...to bring witness to God's loving mercy and truth. Instead live for the truth that God chooses you every day. Please do not misunderstand me. I love and value a strong marriage. I love seeing my friends and siblings in happy marriages and being a witness of the wonderful things it can do for two people. It's so beautiful and is a real desire of mine to also have but I will not allow myself to get lost in that desire because that is not what I was put on this earth for. That's also not what you were put on this earth for either. There are many purposes that surround a main purpose and the main one? We are here to make disciples of this world by sharing Jesus's love and truth through the Gospel. What if we lived in a world where there were conferences and sessions focused on glorifying Christ rather than ones solely focused on marriage? Simply put, the spiritual focus is making disciples of the world and glorifying Jesus with your life. Though I truly desire to be married someday what if God's plan for me is to spread his name and truth...unmarried? Does that make me any less worthy of his plan? Or does that make me dysfunctional in someway...that something must be wrong with me...that's why I'm still single? Absolutely not. That is God's plan for me. Not mine. Marriage and singleness is not A team and B team.

If you are married. Awesome. If you are not? Still awesome. Your purpose and worthiness does not change. If you feel as though you were born to be a parent and now you are? Incredible! If you feel as though you were created to be a spouse and now you are married? Great! If you feel as though you were placed on this earth to be single? Wonderful! And if you feel as though you are stuck in any three of those then trust God's plan for you; especially being "stuck" in singleness. But all of this does not change the main and true purpose of why we are here; to spread the Gospel through God's love on others. Just because I'm single it does not mean I'm any further away from his plan for me. It does not mean I'm not just as valuable, beautiful, worthy, or chosen as my married sister or brother standing next to me. But one thing is for sure the grass is greener where I stand now...not the other side. It just depends on what you are fertilizing your lawn with.

Take a walk with me and let me fully challenge you. Live as if God wouldn't give you the desires of your heart but you would choose him anyways. Because here's the real question. Imagine if somehow God gave you a preview to the very end of your life and there you discover God didn't give you all the desires of your heart (ie: marriage). Would you still choose to serve and chase after him every single day? If the answer is yes why not live life like that now?


One more thing before you go. I posted this a while back and I encourage you to read this poem I wrote about the internal dialogue on singleness between what a women often feels and thinks and Gods response. 


Will anyone ever see me as worth pursuing? Will anyone ever enter into a room, look at me, and say, "I knew immediately that she was the one"? Will I be somebody's somebody? Will I be the reason someone's time comes undone? Will he stop me before I go out the door? Will he stop me and say, "no…I want more"? Will he look past what my body can give him? Will he look into my soul? Will he miss me when I am not with him? Will he give God control? Will he see that I've climbed every mountaintop? Will he see that Ive walked through the valley below? Don't you see that unless he asks me...these things he will not know? Will he have conversations with you about me? Will he pray that you guide his way? Will he get nervous when he sees me...not knowing what to say?

Will she talk to me this morning? Will she give me the day before the sun will rise? With her troubled heart will she lean upon me? Will she open up her eyes? Will she not see even the very hairs on her head are all numbered...down to the last one? Will she not see that everyday I pursue her and because I love her, I gave her my one and only son? Does she not see that she is altogether beautiful with no flaw in sight? Will she not see that her worth out numbers all the sparrows? That it's only the sparrows that will take flight? Does she not see when I enter into a room I look at her and say, "she is the one"? That she did not choose me but I chose her. That between her and I...time is always undone. Will she not see my love gaze upon her as I hold onto her soul? Does she not realize that she is loved beyond measure and that her heart is paid in full? Will she not miss me when she feels as though I am not with her? Will she give me control? Will she see me on the mountain top? Will she see that I am with her in the valley below? Will she see that there are no secrets between us for these things I already know? Does she understand that she is never alone? That when she comes near to me...my presence I will give? Does she know that those thoughts do not define her and that if she puts her identity in me she will see, for her, I gave these words to Amos, "seek The Lord and live!"

I was able to sit with friends tonight and collectively worship God through song, scripture, and prayer. As people prayed tonight I wrote down bits and pieces of what was said and wrote this prayer.




I sit here. I here their voices lift to you and I hear your words whisper back to me. You consume my all. You are undeniable. Your power is more powerful. Your reason better than reasoning. You are my reason. My cause. My explanation. Justify my life lived out for you.

Songs unrecognizable but a love that is so familiar to me. Loneliness creeps in and I feel as though You do not fill it yet you consume its every crevice. Continue doing so. I beg you. When I kick and scream watch me with love knowing I will soon run to you and fall at your feet. My tears will be your bath. Cleansed by my sorrow, gratitude, and recognition of your existence I cry out to you. I weep with tears that wash your feet swept away by my hair as you ask others if they even see me at all. "Do you see this woman?" My debt is large and my wage is small. Your love for me is large...you are my call. You see my worth…you see theirs. I'm worth dying for and die you did. I'm chosen and choose me you did.

Give us a distaste of this world. Burden me so that I have no other choice but to chase after you. Burden my heart so that what breaks your heart...breaks mine. Break me. Break them. They will know us by how we love each other…how I love you. How I love them. Turn this city upside down so that the only direction to look is up…up towards you. That we would look into your eyes and know that it is you. Raw gospel pointing back to you.

Trouble and hardship. Persecution and famine. Nakedness. Danger. Sword. No. Not EVEN in these things will we be separated from the love of God. God break the man made boundaries and teach us to unite as one. That the goal is you. The goal is claiming people for Christ. People need life that only Jesus can bring. Only you. Only you can bring. You plead for me. I'm already paid in full as you continue to plead with me to stop paying for something already bought and paid for.

Will anyone ever see me as worth pursuing? Will anyone ever enter into a room, look at me, and say, "I knew immediately that she was the one"? Will I be somebody's somebody? Will I be the reason someone's time comes undone? Will he stop me before I go out the door? Will he stop me and say, "no…I want more"? Will he look past what my body can give him? Will he look into my soul? Will he miss me when I am not with him? Will he give God control? Will he see that I've climbed every mountaintop? Will he see that Ive walked through the valley below? Don't you see that unless he asks me...these things he will not know? Will he have conversations with you about me? Will he pray that you guide his way? Will he get nervous when he sees me...not knowing what to say?

Will she talk to me this morning? Will she give me the day before the sun will rise? With her troubled heart will she lean upon me? Will she open up her eyes? Will she not see even the very hairs on her head are all numbered...down to the last one? Will she not see that everyday I pursue her and because I love her, I gave her my one and only son? Does she not see that she is altogether beautiful with no flaw in sight? Will she not see that her worth out numbers all the sparrows? That it's only the sparrows that will take flight? Does she not see when I enter into a room I look at her and say, "she is the one"? That she did not choose me but I chose her. That between her and I...time is always undone. Will she not see my love gaze upon her as I hold onto her soul? Does she not realize that she is loved beyond measure and that her heart is paid in full? Will she not miss me when she feels as though I am not with her? Will she give me control? Will she see me on the mountain top? Will she see that I am with her in the valley below? Will she see that there are no secrets between us for these things I already know? Does she understand that she is never alone? That when she comes near to me...my presence I will give? Does she know that those thoughts do not define her and that if she puts her identity in me she will see, for her, I gave these words to Amos, "seek The Lord and live!"

How intense drinking, partying, and passing out helped make me feel more beautiful.

I don't think anyone ever really reads my blog. But with a title like that I hope someone at least reads this entry. I feel as though I have a story to share. Before I get into how intense drinking, partying, and passing out helped make me feel more beautiful let me give you the back story first. At the end of college and into the time of moving to Philadelphia I had peeked my weight at 215lbs. I was embarrassed to say the least. At one point in college I had a guy friend who I liked say he thought I might have something wrong with my thyroid and thats why I was fat. I remember the day that he said this I was so ashamed of myself and felt so ugly. A few days after this conversation while sitting in a hot tub with a few other friends this same guy loudly stated that he would never date a girl that didn't take care of herself and looked right at me...and all of the other heads turned and embarrassingly looked at me too as they realized I was the girl he was talking about. Needless to say I am no longer friends with this guy. But that memory alone helped me realize what it was I needed in my life...a change.

I had a gruesome dark cloud hovering over my life. I felt ugly and worthless. But behind every dark cloud is a beautiful blue sky. That came in the form of moving out of L.A. and into the city of Philadelphia. I moved to Philadelphia in October 2009 but I did not begin my running life until January of 2011. In a little over a year of living in Philadelphia I had made amazing life changing friends. One night as I was sitting at a bar with my friend Zeke watching the Steelers game I confided in him that I wish I could lose weight. He turned to me and simply said, “Dude just sign up for the Broad Street Run. Training for a 10 mile run will get you in shape in no time.” I told him I was too scared and that 10 miles was long. He made it so simple. The easiness in the way he said, “just sign up and start training and if you still don't feel like doing it just sell your badge”, was the little flame I needed. After this we turned back to the TV and we finished watching the Steelers game. It was that easy. I at least needed to try.

Intense Drinking. Partying. & Passing out.

Intense Drinking. I realize that when I began running I started to view other things differently as well. One of those things being what I put into my body. I stopped drinking Coke, Sprite, Mountain Dew, and also stopped kidding myself that just because the word diet was in front of it made it any better for me. Instead I started to drink water. Lots and lots of water.

So here is my Intense Drinking tip for you:

Drink at least two Nalgenes a day. A standard Nalgene is about 32 ounces and by drinking two Nalgenes a day you are meeting the “recommended amount” of water you're supposed to consume a day. It is proven that drinking water helps you lose weight and I am proof of that. When I started drinking water my life changed. I felt better about the choices I was making, the energy I had, and the pounds I was losing. What helped me make lame tasteless water more exciting is Crystal light packets and drops. So buy Crystal Light Liquid Drops and add either a small amount to your Nalgene or mix the drops into some water, put that water into ice trays, and voilà you got yourself some flavored ice cubes for your water.

Drinking Intensely helps change lives ;)

Partying. What I learned after college is the importance of surrounding yourself with incredible people. Now I don't want to neglect the amazing friends I still have from College. I lived with incredible God fearing women who helped me in my own walk with Christ. But I also know that wherever you live now it is SO important for you to surround yourself with people that will party with you. I found amazing friends to be vulnerable with and help build me up. Together we broke down the barriers of being embarrassed in front of each other and the importance of empowering each other. When I first started training for the Broad Street Run I started running with my best friend Katy. Running forced me to be vulnerable and embarrassed in front of her but she didn't care. Where I saw weakness she saw strength.

So my partying tip for you:

Find friends you can be vulnerable with and embarrassed in front of. Find friends to party with. After I ran a mile without stopping for the first time in my life, alongside my best friend Katy, we partied. We jumped in the air, clapped our hands, I even cried. And who gives a damn if I cried. Its my party and I can cry if I want to ;) After the first time I ran four miles without stopping I was in a gym with my brother and his now wife and I got off the treadmill ran over to them excitedly and told them I ran four whole miles without stopping and they partied with me. Right there in the gym not caring that other people were watching us. But guess what...those strangers smiled and partied too. Its the ripple effect baby.

I understand being discouraged but turn that discouragement into fuel. If someone passes you don't get discouraged. In fact slap them hard on the back and yell out, “Fuck yeah! I'm genuinely proud of you!” I promise you that by celebrating other people's victories it will help you feel better about your own. And did you know there is an organization in Philly where you can run with people that are blind? You can actually be their eyes and help them run safely. Talk about partying together.

Passing Out. When I started running I never slept so much in my life. I was actually more tired then had energy and was very pissed that people had lied to me telling me I would have more energy. Eventually my body finally caught up but at night I passed out...

So my passing out tips for you:

Start off at a realistic distance and pace. Remember...when I started running I couldn't even run a mile without wanting to puke and shit my pants at the same time. I began running for 30 seconds at a time. Just a straight 30 seconds...then walking 30 seconds...then running 30 seconds and on and on until I reached a mile. Then, after challenging myself, I turned those 30 seconds of running into 40 seconds, then 50 seconds, then a minute...then one day I ran a whole mile without stopping!

Pick landmarks to be your goal. There are times when I really really feel like quitting. I'm exhausted, my legs ache, and I just desperately want to walk so bad. In the beginning of my running life, when I would get in these moods, my friend Katy would pick a landmark. She would say, “We have to get to that light pole THEN we can walk for only 30 seconds.” Oh glorious mother of God...please install a jet pack on me to get me to that light pole faster. I would eventually get to the light pole and eventually it wasn't that light pole it was the next one and so on. The more I kept running the less landmarks I needed to taste the sweet feeling of a walking break. BUT I still use landmarks today. Because, though I like to challenge myself, I also like to be safe and realistic about my abilities. But I can't emphasize the word safe more then putting it in italics and making it bold. You do not want to injure yourself.

I promise you that if you at least try during the day you'll start passing out at night.

As I was running this morning I felt on my heart how much I want other people to feel beautiful...even the men out there. I passed people of all different shapes and sizes that were either in the zone, looked tired, looked hopeful, or looked discouraged. And each one that passed I couldn't stop thinking about how much they are loved by God and how disgusting I used to feel about myself. After saying this what I don't want to happen is for you to think that I don't still struggle with this. Its a daily struggle and I'm still working hard on strengthening not only my body but my confidence as well. I now weigh 170 and only know that because I just went to the doctor and was weighed. When I first started running my weight would fluctuate so much. I would lose weight and then gain weight because of these new muscles I was using. So one day I just threw my scale out the window...literally. Some people may say I'm still fat..and who knows maybe I am...but just the mere fact that I'm trying is enough to make me feel beautiful. I have now completed running two Broad Street runs, a half marathon with my brothers and sister, three 5K's, a Sprint Triathlon, and I'm now training for my second half and this all started only two and a half years ago. So if I can do it I know for a fact that you can do it...all it takes some times is drinking, partying, and passing out ;)

Above all else know that you are beautiful and loved by a God that loves and creates beauty. "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you." Song of Songs 4:7

Maybe if I post the right picture at just the right angle I'll be convincing.

If my smile was bigger and I pretended this was what was said to me maybe the world will be convinced.

If the sun is out and it cascades the light just so...that it dances wildly across my face, maybe then I'll think differently.

Sometimes I think of what would make a great status and then I go out and live it to make it truth...so that later I can make it a great status.

Don't deny it...you all do the same exact thing...I'm just crazy enough to say it out loud and make it public.

Some people post a picture of literally every single thing they do and most of the time I sit there and I scrutinize. I sit there and I get mad because I feel as though all you're trying to do is be flashy and a show off when I know the truth. You're just like me. And your pictures may try to be convincing of this great life you live but inside it leaves you feeling not so great. And it makes me mad because I want to see you and tell you...I know...I get it.

In an earlier blog posting I wrote how Facebook is like a white washed tomb. But so is Instagram. So is Twitter. So beautiful on the outside but on the inside its just full of dead bodies.

But I also realize that people who truly live with all of their victories exposed to the outside world have already received their reward in full.

By that simple thought I fear it. I fear that truth the Bible speaks so loudly to me sometimes. Because if that is the truth that is not a reward I want in full. I want the Gospel. I want to live and breathe the Gospel. I do not want my reward in full via...this.

But I hunger and I thirst and I yearn for contact.

Loneliness creeps in and God does not fill it yet he consumes its every crevice.

Loudly and not so subtly the Lord reveals his existence and realness in my existence and reality.

I sit here drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon as I sift through letters on a keyboard flashed in a background of white and icons.

I don't have a journal. I don't write secret thoughts in a journal. I just think them all day and then sometimes they make their way out onto my blog.

Sometimes I regret not journaling. When I look back at moments and think, “I wonder what I was thinking while I was going through that,” I regret not journaling. But its just not there for me.

It's not that I'm lazy...I'm just not in it.

I love that line from Garden State. You are in it right now...she says.

I'm in it right now.

Recently a Henri Nouwen quote was tweeted, “We are living in days when our wounds have become all too visible,” and my retort was, “and I have confidence in a savior who also has visible wounds”.

I was proud of that tweet.

The person responsible for the quote did not tweet me back. Sadly.

But its true. I have many wounds. But so do you. I'm not so different then you and you are not so different then the person you passed on the street, the person begging for money, the one sleeping around, the one in prison, the one who stole your bike last year, the one who broke into your car, the one who broke your heart, the one who looked you in the face and told you...you are not good enough.

Wounds.

All of those are wounds.

But when I look at a picture that I feel as though truly reflects my Jesus it is not one of Jesus laughing with children, lifting his hands to the sky as his followers bow to him, Jesus with sheep...why is he always with sheep?

It is a picture of Jesus with blood. It is a picture of Jesus with scars. It is the picture of Jesus nailed onto a cross crying out to his Abba, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?"* that I connect with the most. Because THAT Jesus has got some wounds to show off.

And if THAT Jesus is the one I get to look on and call my salvation then THAT is who I'm going to grip onto so tightly until my knuckles go white.

Because I would SO much rather worship a savior with scars then worship a god with gold.

So maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself and the public but I'm in it right now.

And it is not something I want to exit with a reward already in my arms.

*Matthew 27:46