Maybe if I post the right picture at just the right angle I'll be convincing.

If my smile was bigger and I pretended this was what was said to me maybe the world will be convinced.

If the sun is out and it cascades the light just so...that it dances wildly across my face, maybe then I'll think differently.

Sometimes I think of what would make a great status and then I go out and live it to make it truth...so that later I can make it a great status.

Don't deny it...you all do the same exact thing...I'm just crazy enough to say it out loud and make it public.

Some people post a picture of literally every single thing they do and most of the time I sit there and I scrutinize. I sit there and I get mad because I feel as though all you're trying to do is be flashy and a show off when I know the truth. You're just like me. And your pictures may try to be convincing of this great life you live but inside it leaves you feeling not so great. And it makes me mad because I want to see you and tell you...I know...I get it.

In an earlier blog posting I wrote how Facebook is like a white washed tomb. But so is Instagram. So is Twitter. So beautiful on the outside but on the inside its just full of dead bodies.

But I also realize that people who truly live with all of their victories exposed to the outside world have already received their reward in full.

By that simple thought I fear it. I fear that truth the Bible speaks so loudly to me sometimes. Because if that is the truth that is not a reward I want in full. I want the Gospel. I want to live and breathe the Gospel. I do not want my reward in full via...this.

But I hunger and I thirst and I yearn for contact.

Loneliness creeps in and God does not fill it yet he consumes its every crevice.

Loudly and not so subtly the Lord reveals his existence and realness in my existence and reality.

I sit here drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon as I sift through letters on a keyboard flashed in a background of white and icons.

I don't have a journal. I don't write secret thoughts in a journal. I just think them all day and then sometimes they make their way out onto my blog.

Sometimes I regret not journaling. When I look back at moments and think, “I wonder what I was thinking while I was going through that,” I regret not journaling. But its just not there for me.

It's not that I'm lazy...I'm just not in it.

I love that line from Garden State. You are in it right now...she says.

I'm in it right now.

Recently a Henri Nouwen quote was tweeted, “We are living in days when our wounds have become all too visible,” and my retort was, “and I have confidence in a savior who also has visible wounds”.

I was proud of that tweet.

The person responsible for the quote did not tweet me back. Sadly.

But its true. I have many wounds. But so do you. I'm not so different then you and you are not so different then the person you passed on the street, the person begging for money, the one sleeping around, the one in prison, the one who stole your bike last year, the one who broke into your car, the one who broke your heart, the one who looked you in the face and told you...you are not good enough.

Wounds.

All of those are wounds.

But when I look at a picture that I feel as though truly reflects my Jesus it is not one of Jesus laughing with children, lifting his hands to the sky as his followers bow to him, Jesus with sheep...why is he always with sheep?

It is a picture of Jesus with blood. It is a picture of Jesus with scars. It is the picture of Jesus nailed onto a cross crying out to his Abba, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?"* that I connect with the most. Because THAT Jesus has got some wounds to show off.

And if THAT Jesus is the one I get to look on and call my salvation then THAT is who I'm going to grip onto so tightly until my knuckles go white.

Because I would SO much rather worship a savior with scars then worship a god with gold.

So maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself and the public but I'm in it right now.

And it is not something I want to exit with a reward already in my arms.

*Matthew 27:46

-This is a rap I wrote today. The end of a week with an earthquake in China, an explosion in Texas, and a bombing in Boston. All events that took the lives of loved ones. I then read this rap at a prison tonight full of men with familiar and unfamiliar faces. If anything this week reminded me how blessed I am to know, to serve, and to be loved by a God who loves me so much...so much that he was willing to sacrifice a loved one, his son, to die for me. To die for you. So that we may have everlasting life through him. Now that is something worth dying for.

Oh God you are my God

I will rise above and love amongst hate

Today is the day and this moment is the moment

Where I boldly seek the perfection in those that are flawed.

Break me. I dare for you to try.

My tears are not the sign of my weakness

For the lost and weary I will cry.

Do you honestly believe that this will separate me from the love of Christ?

By your actions you so hastily carry out you will only get me to the presence of my father faster.

And in that, there is nothing for me to fear. I will dance. I will sing. By the power of my presence here on earth I will look at you and tell you; You. Are Loved.

My words are truth. Though my heart may not always be a true reflection it is not my mirror you should fear. I face death all day long. We are sheep to be slaughtered. But I. I am more than a conqueror through him loves me. Through him who loves you.

We will suffer. And our hearts will be broken. I will introduce myself to you today and then I, too, will see you go.

I will look in the face of those who take away and I will BOLDLY SAY,

He died for you.

‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God. That is in Christ Jesus MY Lord.’ And whether you choose to acknowledge him or not...your Lord too.

In my heart I have hate. I am a murderer and a liar. I’m a thief. I play both the role of jury and judge. And I am stuck in the mire. But there is hope for me. When I allow myself to be transformed and set free, by the Lord’s refining fire.

God did not promise that this life would be easy. In fact he promised it would be hard.

But if you listen to his voice God will say to you too, “Look now toward heaven and count the stars.”

I recognize you have wounds on your heart. So do I. But remember you are loved by a Jesus who also has scars.

You want to fight? Lets fight with our hearts proclaiming the love of Christ!

Shout out loud, He is Risen! He is here. And someday we’ll all dance on heaven’s shore.

But for now. I will look at you. I will love you. And I will tell you. You. My friend. Are worth fighting for.

(picture I took while jogging)

For an undetermined amount of time I deactivated my Facebook. If I didn't risk losing all of my precious pictures on Facebook by deleting it, I probably would have done that. I know I can transfer them to a new site but...that...is a lot of work. I realize that in my venture of giving up Facebook this came exactly around the time of lent. But I would love to express to you how much I am not giving up Facebook for lent. I'm giving up Facebook for my heart. For my soul. And for my relationship with the Lord. In a moment where I lost something dear to me Facebook became poisonous. It became a living version of Matthew 23:27 where Facebook was like a whitewashed tomb, "beautiful on the outside but on the inside full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." 

What is awesome about having your own blog is that you can be as dramatic as you want. Though that was dramatic it's exactly how I came to view Facebook. Instead of starting my mornings by giving myself over to the Lord I was checking Facebook. I wanted somehow to feel important enough still. I wanted a glimpse that I still existed. I didn't. I didn't and Facebook made sure I knew how much I did not exist anymore. It broke my heart more then it already was and I finally allowed myself to see how life is not worth this. Life is worth beauty. Life is worth truth. Life is worth actually living. 

So bon voyage Facebook and hello Twitter! (SimplyJaxJax) I laugh at myself as I write this because from one social media site to the next. But I'm a writer. I love writing posts and reading others stories. What I don't love seeing is self advertising and a 5 second window of truth masked by a lifetime of lies. For some reason, even if its just me, Twitter is a launching pad to other people in byte size pieces. And I love people.

I'm also not perfect I just happen to be deeply in love with someone who is. And if thats the case then my ultimate goal is not only about improving myself but most importantly improving how I love others around me. I'll also be honest...I'm not great at it. I fail every day at loving people in the way they deserve to be loved; not in the way I see it but in the way that God does. And trust me when I say those two visions are very different from each other. 

I have a very hard time letting go of things that no longer have a place in my life. What I love about my relationship with the Lord is how much he advocates for me when my knuckles have become white from how tight my grasp is. Gently he pries open my hands and lets whatever I was holding onto fall away from me. Without God I would become a hoarder of dead branches. 

I'm entering into a chapter where God is seriously pruning my life. While running the other day I could not get the image out of my head of me trying to superglue a dead branch God had pruned back onto my tree like body. This caused me to cry...for hours. But God did not promise that pruning would be painless...just necessary. I serve a God that loves me enough to hold each tear I cry in his hand...how lucky am I? 

So, as I learned at the Justice Conference last night that, "True humility is not about being dishonest about your strengths, its about being honest about your weaknesses," I move forward with my life humbly proclaiming, "I am weak!"

Tables Turned

I have not written on my blog since August. Sad. I shall no longer do that to all of my followers again! Oh wait....I think I only have one. Who is my audience? I just love to write even if its to no one.


I'm just awake. A lot has happened since August. Good and bad. Life changing and shaping. But at the end of the day its all about what glorifies God the most. I recently heard a sermon from the pastor of the church I attend that I thought reflected well my own life these past few months. The teaching was out of John 2:13-22. Long story short...Jesus comes into the temple with a whip made out of leather and drives out merchants, traders, and loan sharks. In this passage the temple could represent many things I'm sure but when I read this passage I saw the temple representing myself. I'm almost positive its only supposed to represent Christ but this is the best way for me to describe what life since August has been like; an epiphany I had while hearing my pastor speak on this passage. 


In basically my own words, my Pastor stated that those in the Temple were using the Temple wrong and “worshiping incorrectly”. He said that our Temples can some times be filled with really messed up things that we worship and sometimes Jesus will come in and literally drive every thing out. He doesn’t do this to make room for the people already using it poorly and destroying it with their selling and trading...he does it to make room for the foreigners who are yet to come. He drove out the bad to make room for the good. To make room for those that were going to use it for why it was really built. I thought that was a pretty cool concept.

This passage has kept creeping its way back into my mind and I haven't been able to let go of ways that I may be 'worshipping incorrectly'. That phrase may sound weird and I don't believe there is only one way to worship the Lord correctly but there sure are a lot of incorrect ways to worship the Lord. 

I feel like Jesus really elbows his way into my temple when he exposes to me all of the poison of my own life. I took the example from the Bible literal and maybe some of those people in the Temple didn’t even realize what they were doing was wrong until Jesus showed up. I think Jesus fights his way into my life by flipping all of my tables and driving out everything that once provided a means to an end in sorts. Because I’m such a stubborn person God usually shows up in my life by flipping and breaking everything I have built up so that all I’m left with is a clear picture of what worshiping correctly might look like.

I also heard once that when your body is fighting an infection sometimes your body drives out the sickness and before leaving the body it all comes to the surface. Like fevers, sweat, acne, or bodily soars. So suddenly its exposing everything but all of this exposure is what is actually healing your body. It’s healing because ts being brought to a place where the air, topical medicine, and even sometimes sunlight can finally kill it off. By others seeing these things it makes it clear to them that you’re sick or suffering from something but what most people don’t realize is that your body is actually healing from the inside out. And all they’re witnessing is something that your body recognizes as a threat. A sickness and a poison which used to take up residency deep inside of you and is now finally moving its way out.

So what if the ultimate way of “worshiping correctly,” is how we choose to respond seeing this sickness revealed in others and our selves. Do we choose to love despite this obvious ailment that may even be contagious or do we run and neglect? Even with ourselves?

Ten miles or more

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14292131@N02/5188331830/lightbox/ 

(I did not take this picture)

Ten Miles. Thats all I ask from you. Make it ten miles and then, you and I together, will make it so much further then that.

It is funny to me that I cannot stop my brain from thinking. I just wish I could turn it off some times. I wish I could do what I wanted to do without any regret or consequences. But no. The Lord loves me way too much to let that happen. He gave me my mind not only as a gift but as a protection of love. Ten Miles. Thats what I chose to run in May. Thats what I chose to start training for in January. Thats the decision I made after hanging out with my friend Zeke one night in a Steelers bar watching the Steelers game. I made it after Zeke, who for kicks...not passion...chose to wear a purple shirt under a purple hoodie, in a sea of black and gold while the Steelers played the very purple baltimore team. He encouraged me to sign up and so the next morning, in January, I did. I did not realize, however, that this would be the start of a very long conversation with God.

The conversation began with all of the layers I needed to shed. The layer of self doubt, the layer of vulnerability, the layer of selfishness, the layer of self confidence, the layer of no confidence, the layer of insecurity, the layer of weight, the layer of beauty, the layer of ugliness.

Lots and lots of layers.

The conversation moved from layers to existence. My current existence was one of complaining and first world suffering. Amongst all of those very unemployed people out there I had a job that I did not like. I had a job that paid well, gave me what I understood as 40 hours a week, oh and also gave me full benefits. As well as a 401K if I chose to have it. I'm sorry, I did say that one of the layers needing to be shed was selfishness right?

One of my favorite friends told me a story once, saying, “ 'I was sitting talking to a therapist and I was complaining that all I wanted to do was be a rock star. I just wanted to dedicate my life to music'. So the therapist pointed to an abused and neglected guitar in the corner of the room and said, 'OK. Then walk over there. Pick up the guitar. And go be a rock star.' ”

So I did my family and friends a huge favor and stopped talking. I went out and applied to every thing I thought I would be happy at. After about four months of this I found it. Found what I wanted to do. I quit my job and changed my existence.

There is a beauty in the quietness that comes with running. I am not a graceful runner. I look horrible when I run. My face is always distorted while I'm running. If I could picture what I look like while I'm running I'm pretty sure it would be very similar to what I would look like if I were being drilled into while sitting in a dentist chair. But nonetheless there is a stillness and beauty in the act of running. In this stillness God always brings up his next point without forgetting to mentioning in what areas I need to continue improving in my old points. The next point was desire.

When I truly desire something I seek it strongly. I'm also good at justifying why I should do something or have this certain thing. The other thing I do when I desire something is I become willing. Its as if I'm willing to trade my love for Jesus for this one thing. If I want something that is not good for me then thats what I'm doing. I'm trading Jesus.

So in this softness and stillness God planted an image in my head. I was desiring something that I know for a fact is something God does not want for my life. He planted this image in my head of Roman guards holding a bloody and beaten Jesus. Two Roman guards. Each of them with an arm of Jesus in theirs ready to trade him. And on the other side was some one holding this lie that I wanted. To this day I still can't get this very detailed image out of my head.

When I shared this image with a roommate I lived with she showed me a passage in the Bible that described so closely what I had seen that it gave me goose bumps. She showed me this, “They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.” Romans 1:25

So last night I was supposed to run 10 miles. I have now moved on from that 10 mile run in May and am now training for a half marathon in September. As part of my training I was supposed to run 10 miles last night but due to my running shoes having been left outside in a rain storm I now had to wait. My very amazing friend Katy who was going to run this 10 miles with me quickly said, “Lets go ride our bikes instead and get a beer!” Done. So in my frustration of not running the 10 miles that I had to mentally prepare myself for all day, I was now riding my bike on a very beautiful night. Riding it 10 miles that is. And it was perfect. The weather was perfect. The reflection off the river of boathouse row, lit up at night, was perfect. And the conversation was perfect.

In this perfection this is what I learned last night. That I made it the 10 miles. I made it as far as God originally asked me to make it and now he asked me to go just a tiny bit further. Through this gift of ten miles God has given me so much more. He has given me amazing conversations with friends. He has given me incredible conversations with himself. He has given me a healthier body. He has given me a healthier view of my body. He has given me a healthier view of my love for him.

How far are you willing to go for the love of Jesus?