Jenna :)

Jenna is that girl that changed your life just by being in the same room with you and I picked that up just by being on the phone with her. I have always known that there was something special about Jenna and her heart for God. She actually inspired me to be a better person long before this moment. She has always been the sweet honest Jenna that we all know and love while still maintaining that amazing sense of humor that I know we all love. When I was younger I loved being around Jenna because she made me feel so loved and valued. I had some of the best times with her and the hardest laughs.

I was blessed enough to be able to talk to Jenna one last time about two and a half weeks ago. Oddly enough we talked about memories that we have had together that actually made us laugh so hard I believe we were both crying on the phone. I know that God was giving me the most amazing gift of all by being able to have this conversation with Jenna that I am going to value for the rest of my life. We talked a little bit about how David and Ricky used to beat up on us during our summer vacations up at the condo or the lake house in Jersey and how much we hated it but also how much we loved it at the same time; our big brothers. We talked about the time that Ricky, my mom, and I were spending time at their house for thanksgiving and Jenna and I were eating breakfast and we were eating pancakes and I flooded my plate with syrup. And Jenna glanced over smiled really big and grabbed the syrup and started flooding her plate too until Aunt Lorie came over and started laughing and said, “ok your pancakes are swimming, that’s enough”. I remember Jenna saying that she just wanted her pancakes exactly like mine.

Jenna and I have had this running joke that since her last name is Staup S-T-A-U-P and mine is Staub S-T-A-U-B that we were just one letter away from being the same person. That Ricky, David, Jenna, and I were really siblings just separated into different families, but we both knew that her and David really just wanted to be Ricky and me. But my most valued and cherished memory I have with Jenna is the time that I went to go visit them in New Jersey and we were standing in her back yard staring up at the moon. Jenna was standing on the deck of her pool and I was at the top of her yard and we were amazed by the fact that when I looked at the moon it looked like it was right in front of me. But if I were to walk back over to Jenna it would follow and then look like it was right in front of her.

I’m pretty sure we sat there for about 45 minutes walking back and forth and jokingly arguing who the moon was in front of and I remember walking back over to her and standing on the deck of the pool both of us looking at the moon and she said, “its so weird to think that the moon will follow you will ever you will go.” And I realize that those words hold more meaning to me now then they did then. I realized that Jenna like the moon will always be with me where ever I will go. She will always be following me and all I have to do is look up and she will be right there.
Jenna had just finished her first year at Palm Beach Atlantic when she died. She wanted to be a doctor. She was pre-med with an art minor. She wanted to move to France and live off the money she would make from selling her paintings. She was the sunshine in every ones life.

So my question is, why does death affect us so much? AND why does it always seem like the ones that die are the ones that mattered most? That is a question I don’t have an answer for.

Why is life so hard?

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost






There are many different forms of the same question; some are just in more detail. Sometimes I will hear, “why is school so hard?”, “Why is finding a job so hard?”, “why is bringing up this problem with my friend so hard?” But the real question underlying all of these questions is, “Why is life so hard?”

Here I am. A senior in college attempting to answer this question…yay :) Some may deny me or hate my answer. Some may agree with me and think I’m one step down from God ::Wink, Wink:: But really I’m just a normal women trying to answer this question every day.

I read Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life a couple years ago and in that book I remember it stating that, “There is no growth without change; no change without fear or loss; no loss without pain.” (Pg. 220).

This is your journey. As you are reading this right now you are on a journey, THEE journey rather. I mean this is your life. Take a second and breathe that in. This is your life and you can do whatever you want with it. Cool.

In ‘The Christmas Song’ it claims that kids are from ages 1 to 92….so it’s really never to late to start dreaming like one :)

You are on a journey of growth. You will always see and hear new things. You will experience new thoughts and emotions. You will interact with the same people but in new and completely different ways. Every day you take in something new even if you claim that your days remain the same. You will interact with new people in new and different ways. In its own way, every day is unique! Your life will continue to be that way even in the days to come.

So life is hard. Life is hard for every one. I don’t care if you are rich. I don’t care if you are poor. I don’t care if you are starving. I don’t care if you are fat. I don’t care if you are a child and I don’t care if you are old. Obviously I care about these things but I don’t care if these are your excuses why life is so hard just-for-you. Life is hard for every one in a different way.

I could easily give out the normal self-help solutions and tell you to go connect with a group you can talk to or find close and meaningful friends. Or lean on your family more or finally turn to God during the hard times. But I won’t.

But why is life hard? That is the real question.

There is a movie that not only stars an amazing women but is a movie that exemplifies the, “why me” out look on life. The movie is called Last Holiday. This movie stars Queen Latifah as Georgia Byrd. Georgia is a cute, cautious, sweet, hesitant, choir-singing store clerk who, through her doctor, finds out that she only has three weeks to live. Throughout the movie we watch as Georgia learns to finally enjoy life to it’s fullest and come out of her shell at last.

She goes through a moment in the movie where she is crying out to God, “Why me!” She is constantly asking why God is allowing this terrible thing to happen to her. Queen Latifah’s acting doesn’t just come to her naturally but this, “why me” situation comes out of personal experience.

Queen Latifah’s journey has been tough from growing up in a single-parent household, living in a New Jersey housing project, to losing her brother in a motorcycle accident at 22. Her singing career had just taken off and as a present to her brother Lancelot (age 24) she bought him a motorcycle. Two months later he died in a motorcycle accident.

In an interview from 2006, Queen Latifah was asked about her Christian faith and asked if she ever had a, “why me?” moment in her own life. Here is what she had to say,

I definitely had a "why" moment--"Why us? Why my mom?" You know . . . "Why my dad?" When my brother passed away, that was definitely a "why?" I don't even know if it was just a "why me?" But it was surely a big old "why." . . . Especially at that age -- I'm 22 years old when this happened, my brother's only 24 -- and it's like, whoa. And I'm like, "Why [would this happen] to my mom?" She's such a good person. So, all of this stuff is running through my head.

Even Queen Lahtifah can ask, “why is life so hard?”

My goal is not to take away the focus of any one suffering but to give my own perspective. Maybe this is me trying to provide a window for some ones effort who’s trying to find God in the midst of a hard life.

Life is hard because that’s the way it is. From a sermon I heard two years ago the pastor said, “There's no reason that we should expect better. Tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, cancer, HIV, starvation - these are naturally occurring events that need no explanation. The universe is random, so bad things happen. We should expect them and find a way to make the best of life anyway.”

Like I said before, life is hard for every one. Life is not only hard for bad people deserving exactly what they get, but also for the good people who, with their lives, honor God to it’s fullest. Also life is hard for good and innocent people, like babies with illnesses, and people thrown into a life of poverty.

Life is rough and even in my own story I can pick out little things of why my life that in other words has “sucked” at moments. But I will continue to love and live my life to the fullest. Others may easily go to blaming others for their problems or blaming the world.

But I really want to ask those people out there, what are you doing with your life to make it worthwhile through all of its crap and hardships?

Giving voice to the voiceless

I believe that’s what a good journalist does; gives voice to the voiceless. I once said, "I couldn’t give a damn if I don’t have good spelling, correct grammar, or talk with perfect English. If the lowliest and in most need of love, kind of people understand me then that’s all that matters." Obviously grammar and good structure and those things are important because I want to have a broad audience, but they are not my top priority. This is the point where I give a big Thank You to my editor ;) When people read my work I want them to feel as though they are sitting down and having a conversation with me. I want it to be comfortable and natural. I want to reach many and have valid points. I'm only a college student...so I'm getting there; I'm learning. I would like to think that I am on my way to greatness, and I am…at least that’s what my mom tells me ;) I want to travel the world and risk my life. I read up on some journalists that gave a voice to the voiceless and I was inspired. All I kept reading between the lines is I or me. I want that to be Me. Allow Me to be that good some day. Allow Me to be that brave some day. Me...allow Me to be there one day.

As I was looking at the Fox News website I came across an article titled, “American Journalist Michael Kelly Killed in Iraq”, by Liza Porteus. In this article Porteus quotes Fox News anchor Tony Snow and he commented on the death of Kelly by saying, “There aren’t many people who on a regular basis, when I’m reading their columns, I say ‘man, I wish I’d written that.’” He also said, “There aren’t that many people who make that kind of an impact in so few years,” he calls this tragedy as, “an indescribable loss to the journalism profession.” I read Me….let Me be there some day…

Am I willing to take that risk? What voice do I want to have? What kind of risk do I want to take? Is it worth it? I would like to think that it is. Lets be honest, it’s easy for me to say that its worth it being at my Christian school with my friends and comfortable life; being around my family that love me and surrounding myself with friends that bring me joy but what happens when I’m done with school, will I go out there and ‘Just do it’? Only time will tell.

Make a Statement.

Travel through life. Live it. Love it.

(What Ive learned by traveling through life)

Who am I? About Me?

God, I don’t even really know yet :) I know I’m a girl who finds that the kindest kind of love is through a dog. He is truly the only creature that will ever love you more then he loves himself (Example: my best dogs Max, Alex, and the love of my life, Tucker :)

I’m a girl who is lead by a passion to just want to love…even if that means too much sometimes. I’m every day reminding myself to slow down but love with intensity.

I’m a girl with a story and an unexpected past. “I climbed across the mountain tops, Swam all across the ocean blue, I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules.” But you would never know that unless you have asked.

I’m a girl that hopes I leave a legacy behind just as my amazing cousin Jenna did at 19. One can only hope to be a woman of God like Jenna was, because to want to be more like Jenna would be wanting to be more like Christ.

I couldn’t give a damn if I don’t have good spelling, correct grammar, or talk with perfect English. If the lowliest and in most need of love, kind of people understand me then that’s all that matters.

I want to share the love of God no matter if it means crossing the deepest ocean to Africa, going to San Fran to live on the streets to understand what true love looks like, go to a country where I don’t speak the same language, or sitting on a curb smoking a cigarette with a homeless guy that just wants to be heard. God will come in disguise even if that disguise is me.

As cheesy as it is this is life’s biggest lesson: Live, Love, Laugh, and Learn.